So, I've had lot of time to contemplate everything from relationships to family to the past fifty years of film to the state of current television and finally, with some trepidation, to my future. This upcoming year will be a big one for me. I will be selling my house, living in a new place, living alone with Ernie. Ernie's my almost 9 year-old beagle, who has known no other home and no other family in his life. We are growing old together, I told him yesterday as he looked at me with his deep soulful brown eyes set in a face growing white with age.
So, a few reflections, if I may. I am having a very quiet birthday this year by choice. It may seem obvious that if one is ill, one doesn't party hardy. However, I have been known to push my personal envelope at times when it's not always been the best thing for me, especially where my family is concerned. I am a sucker for my daughters, my granddaughters and my dear parents. That may be a pretty strong characterization, but I remind you that I am an only child so I have always assumed that I am responsible for family celebrations. And I do love to see them happy. But this birthday is not happening in any celebratory way this year because I just can't physically handle it. And that's just the fact as plain as the nose on my face. I have to go to work on Monday, so I lay in bed now to make that possible. I will be taken for lunch by my younger daughter today and I will have dinner with friends tomorrow. That's it.
There are deeper issues that this brings up for me - my younger daughter's impending independence, my parents' path to greater dependence, and my continued life without my partner. I don't think that life gets more complicated as we age. We just have a different prism through which to view all the issues that we didn't have as young people.
I will say that this week has renewed by total respect and gratitude for great talent and art. It breaks my heart that I had to miss Audra MacDonald at NJPAC last night 'cause it was just too much of a stretch for me. But, I did get to watch two Fred Zinneman films back to back, "The Day of the Jackal" (1971) and "A Man For All Seasons" (1966). Both these films have themes which resonate today and are brilliantly shot, acted and directed. I also watched "Game Change" and rewatched "Capote." That story will haunt me forever - from the pure evil of the predatory killers to the pure evil of the writer obsessed with his own need to get every last final detail about the story to complete his opus. I think it is interesting to note, in the current year of celebrating the publication of "To Kill A Mockingbird" that the close relationship between Harper Lee and Capote (young Truman Capote was young Harper Lee's neighbor and inspired the character of "Dill") was inevitably damaged by their collaboration on "In Cold Blood."
I also watched so much good television. My favorites: "Nurse Jackie" - Acting doesn't get much better than what Edie Falco is doing in this well-written show; "The Big C" - I have huge admiration for this show's creators. It holds a mirror to all human frailty and stupidity, and, by the way, also to bloggers (!) in this week's episode when Oliver Platt's character, recently recovered from a "near death" experience, remakes his life through a blog that reveals all personal details of his life and more pointedly, his wife's (the luminous Laura Linney), never taking into account the impact these revelations in public will have on his son. Finally, "Modern Family" is good for whatever ails ya, my daughter says and I can't say it better than that.
So, as I experience this year's birthday, I will have a lot of time to think about what I need, how I need to move ahead in my life and who will join me. I know that Ernie will hang in as long as his canine life expectancy and all the love we can give him will allow.
I recently took a life expectancy survey on a life insurance site. It predicted that I will live another 24 years or so, providing no one kills me or my life doesn't end in some unpredictable way . . . So, as I lie here recuperating, I'm thinking about everything I want to do, see and mostly - be - during that time. That's a way to celebrate, I think.
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