It got me thinking about essence. I realize that unconsciously I have always been a person who intuitively relates to another person's essence - that part of a person that some might call soul. But essence is more than that. It's the "control center" of being, where all our feelings are housed. All good and bad impulses originate in our personal "control centers," originate from our essence. Our essence defines us. Depending on the balance of qualities in our essence, we are perceived by others to be good, bad, friendly, sad, giving or any other quality that a human being can manifest.
My essence sensibility was called upon this year when my father died and my younger daughter decided to put a distance between us - obviously two very different and separate events, but with similar effect. One is lost to me forever and the other is lost to me, I hope, until she completes an emotional journey.
These two people have been essential parts of my "control center."
My father was at the core of my being. To the degree that I am adventurous, creative, happy, loving, giving - my father is the model who helped me to develop those qualities. His personality embodied them.
When I think of him now, when I relate to his essence, it is a near meditative state of remembrance and love, and it puts one big smile on my face. Since his death I have been taking care of my mourning mother and his essence is always around us lightening the mood, infusing me and, I believe to some degree, my mother, with his insistent joy and determination to live well.
I am so grateful to be able to have him near me all the time in this way and I practice feeling him and seeing him.
Though my daughter's "control center" is probably doing everything to block any impulses coming from me, I am enjoying her, in her absence, in the same way that I am enjoying my father. I can see her. I can hear her laugh. I can understand and feel her pain and my arms are around her everyday in this way. It's very comforting to me since I cannot have it any other way at the moment.
A very good example of how this works relates to my very dear and adorable granddaughters. I don't live around the corner from them and can't see them as much as I'd like to. Though I could always call them or "Skype," it's ultimately an unfulfilling communication with small children. "Hi Nonna." "How are you?" "Fine . . . " So I feel their magical essences around me all the time - their zany, creative and loving presences in my life. For example, I will enjoy every minute with them of the trip they are taking this weekend to Boston. I will even feel the periodic fatigue, exhaustion and exasperation of my daughter and son-in-law as they tour a big city with two little girls in
tow. Exhausting elation.
Perhaps there is a religion that practices this type of meditation. If not, then perhaps I have hit upon something. Whatever it is, whenever I can't be near someone I love, I meditate on who they are and the energy they have projected into the world, and I feel that I have them with me.
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